Can’t Live With or Without Them

Can’t Live With or Without Them

Are you in a relationship where you can’t seem to be able to live with your partner, but you can’t live without them either? Or do you feel that you have a love/hate relationship with them? This is a cycle that can be extremely tiring and even toxic. Before you deal with this for the rest of your life, you need to figure out how to fix it or how to leave it.

Having a Love/Hate Relationship

Having a love/hate relationship can be so crazy for people that haven’t ever experienced but for some it is completely normal. The relationship can be amazing at times to the point of a fairy tale but then the bad parts can be devastating. In this kind of relationship, there is no middle ground, and the relationship goes in extremes. There can be constant drama that leads to crazy passion.

If you are someone on the outside and you see this kind of relationship you might see it as something toxic. The relationship though for those in it has a strong connection and a romantic bond like none other.

There are different kinds of people in the world, and some are just at a higher risk to be in a love/hate kind of relationship. Those that have had intense parenting styles often equate love with drama and since they were raised in this kind of situation, it is what they find comfort in.

A relationship that is normal where there is little pain or discomfort might seem strange to them. Instead, they look for toxic relationships that they are used to. People that were raised with love and compassion will never understand this kind of relationship where someone that was raised with all of the drama will have a hard time in any other kind of relationship.

They believe that the relationship is full of love, passion and is loving even if the world doesn’t see it.

Are You In a Can’t Live With Them, Can’t Live Without Them Relationship?

Being in a relationship that is secure, safe and healthy is one that will see problems when someone is in a love/hate relationship. They can see this in their family or in their friends because they realize what a healthy relationship looks like. Those that have been in love/hate relationships before might not be able to see the signs as much.

Here are some signs of a love/hate relationship:

  • Fights Are Inevitable

All relationships have fights and arguing but when this is constant, chances are you are in a love/hate relationship. When you do argue with your partner, it should be compassionate, and you should always keep your partners feelings in mind.

When arguing comes with disrespect and screaming, these are unhealthy arguments and this likely means that you’re in an unhealthy relationship. But for this to be a love/hate relationship, there also has to be reconciliation that is as dramatic as the fight was.

If you fight as strong as you make up with each other, chances are that you are in a love/hate cycle.

  • Romance and Passion

Romance is something that is all over the television and in books. When there is a lot of drama followed by romance, chances are that the relationship is toxic and dysfunctional. If you grew up with people that were always arguing and yelling at you but then they tell you how much they love you, this can be a reason that you cling to those kinds of romantic relationships.

If you are always fighting and there is a lot of passion, a lot of highs and lows then this can be a love/hate relationship.

  • Breaking Up and Getting Back Together

Some relationships will breakup and get back together but when this is always happening over and over again, this is a cycle that isn’t helping the relationship at all.

  • Your Family Doesn’t Like Your Relationship

Being in a love/hate relationship can be stressful. If you have someone in your life that worries about you and tells you that your relationship isn’t healthy, it probably isn’t. Someone might tell you that you aren’t being treated right or your friends might even hate your partner.

Your friends should love the person that is with you because of how he treats you and if they don’t then they probably aren’t good for you and might even be toxic for you.

  • Violence or Abuse

There can be violence without abuse in a relationship and this can be when your partner throws things, breaks things, punches walls, yells or does things that evoke violence when you are disagreeing.

Emotional violence can be as bad as abuse, and this isn’t love. Love should never make you feel scared or hurt and there should never be violence that is there to intimidate you. Don’t ignore this if it is happening in your relationship.

  • Overly Jealous

Love/hate relationships will usually be full of jealousy. This is part of the relationship dynamic, and it can make someone act possessive or controlling over you. This is an insecure type of relationship because jealousy should never be the center of your relationship.

When there is jealousy throughout the relationship, there is a lack of trust, and this probably means that there are no boundaries either. A little jealousy can be good, but jealousy should never be the center of any relationship.

  • No Healthy Spaces

Those that are in love/hate relationships are usually in codependent relationships. Nothing is romantic about not being able to have your space away from your partner sometimes.  You may want to be around your partner all the time but in a healthy relationship, your partner should bring value to your life and not be what your life is.

Codependency is when you aren’t able to have healthy space away from your partner. You should be able to be away from your partner for a period of time and you should have your own identity.

  • You Talk About Them

When you are talking about your partner you should be talking about love and care but if you are constantly talking negatively or complaining about your partner then this can be a problem. Maybe you complain so much about them that you can’t even stop talking about it.

  • Love Equals Stress

Relationships should never equal stress. Having some stress in a relationship is normal but your relationship shouldn’t just be about stress. Even when your relationship feels good, if you’re in a love/hate relationship you will constantly be waiting for something to go wrong.

It will be a rollercoaster of love and hate and the relationship will be great at sometimes and terrible at other times and this is unhealthy.

  • Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding happens sometimes when you have attached to someone that is hurting you. You see that they are good, and you understand them better than anyone else, but you know that they are constantly hurting you. You defend them when someone talks about them, and you are always making excuses for them.

This sometimes comes with abusive relationships, and you might feel stuck with them. They might gaslight you or mistreat you, leaving you in an unhealthy dynamic.

  • Breaking Up

You are constantly thinking about breaking up with them. You think if you leave them then life can be better, but you stay in the relationship no matter what. If you are constantly thinking about breaking up with them this is probably a love/hate relationship.

  • You’re Afraid to Grow

You should never be afraid of being your very best and if your partner is making you afraid of growing then there is a problem. You might not want to take a class because you’re afraid your partner will be mad. They might want you to stay dependent on them so that you can’t leave them later.

When neither of you want to have change, this can cause you to get into unhealthy habits or even addictions instead of really getting close to each other.

  • No Intimacy

Intimacy is important and it comes with trust and respect. If there is love but no intimacy, then there won’t be a bond that you form. You have to have deep intimacy to be able to have the love that you want with someone. You need to make sure that you are experiencing real love and not staying in a love/hate relationship.

Can a Love/Hate Relationship Be Fixed?

Love and hate relationships can improve if both people really want to work on things and make things better. They have to be able to sit down and talk about the problems and learn how to work through them.

Here are some things you can do to fix this relationship:

  • Talk to a Professional

You need to find a therapist or a couple’s counselor that you can talk to. You can sometimes get this covered on your insurance. There are some that you can talk to online and some that you can meet up in person.

If you want to save your relationship, then you can talk to them and see the patterns that need to be fixed.

  • Fix Your Self-Esteem

If you have this kind of relationship you need to fix your self-esteem. You need to see your worth and know that your value isn’t based on your relationship but on who you are. Getting out of this relationship can help you to feel better in your life.

  • Respond and Don’t React

You need to learn to respond and not to react every time something bad happens. You have to break this cycle and be aware of how you are using your emotions and your feelings in the relationship. Here are some tips to be more aware of your feelings:

    • Let your body show you what its feeling. If you have pain in your head, your back or your stomach, notice this. It could be a sign that your emotions are strong.
    • Say what you’re feeling and label it. Be as specific about what you’re feeling as possible.
    • Think about why you’re having the feelings that you are having. Are these feelings from the past or from now?

If you can figure out what you’re feeling before you react, you can see what is upsetting you and you can learn to respond in a positive way in any situation. The response that you make can communicate what you’re feeling and whatever you choose, choose respect.

  • Speak Like a Grownup

Don’t act like a child when you get upset but use your words to talk about what you’re feeling. Ask for space and say what you need. As you learn to communicate you can turn your relationship into one that is intimate and loving and not one that is a love/hate.

  • Have Boundaries

Boundaries are important in every situation and if you don’t have boundaries then your relationships will never be healthy. As you work on fixing your relationship you will have to set boundaries for yourself and your partner.

Tell your partner what you need and what you expect and what will happen if they cross those boundaries. For example, if your partner always screams at you when you discuss things, set boundaries and refuse to speak to them on things if they yell or scream.

Make sure that your boundaries are clear and if they violate them, there are consequences.

  • Find Support

Find people in the world that can support you like friends, family or even professionals. You and your partner should be able to go out with your friends or to go to your family if you want or need to without it hurting your relationships.

Let your people support you and hear what is going on in your life so that they can help you with your relationship. Don’t ignore the advice that they give you and make sure that you are letting them defend you if you need it.

If you have stopped hanging out with people because of your relationship, rekindle these relationships and let your friends back into your life. Don’t expect them to get over this right away but allow them time to trust you again.

  • Know Your Attachment Problems

Everyone has an attachment style and if you have had a negative attachment style since a child, this could play a role in your relationship. You might be avoidant, fearful-avoidant or anxious and this will cause you to have insecure relationships.

You can become securely attached with your partner though if you take time to work on things and to understand why you react how you do. You can learn to understand your partner as well and as long as you are doing this with compassion, you can make it.

  • Know What You Want

Don’t allow toxic behaviors to fill your life. Learn to notice the good things in your relationship and to make choices that are healthy. Identify the good things and know the toxic things that you are going to stay away form.

If you feel that your partner doesn’t love you, you will have to get past the triggers that make you feel this. Notice the respect that you have your partner and vice versa and make sure that you address conflict, and you have healthy boundaries.

Building a healthy relationship can be hard but you can learn to do this even when it is scary.

Final Thoughts

Being in a love/hate relationship means that you are struggling through your relationship and that your relationship is likely not rooted in love. It doesn’t mean that you have to leave your partner but no relationship that is unhealthy will last forever.

All relationships have good and bad days but when you feel disconnected to your partner, figure out a healthy way to reconnect. If you want your relationship to be strong, there has to be more love than hate.

Love/hate relationships might seem normal because they are so common, but it isn’t how real love works. When someone pushes you away, this isn’t showing love to you, but this is showing you that they aren’t mature.

Putting effort into your relationship will help you to find a relationship that is love and it will turn into a “I can’t live without you,” relationship that is full of love and compassion.


  1. The exploration of love/hate relationships in this article is quite extensive, but it seems to oversimplify the experiences of those caught in such dynamics. While the article suggests that intense parenting styles alone contribute to this cycle, it fails to adequately consider the multifaceted psychological and sociological elements at play. Furthermore, proposing that therapy and self-esteem work as panaceas for these deeply rooted issues is somewhat reductive. Psychotherapy, while valuable, is not a catch-all solution, and the suggestion that self-worth can be easily disentangled from relational dynamics underestimates the complexities involved. We must approach such relationships with a more nuanced understanding rather than a one-size-fits-all remedy.

  2. This article provides a comprehensive and insightful look into the dynamics of love/hate relationships. It’s a fascinating read for anyone who has ever found themselves caught in this cycle or knows someone who has. The advice on addressing these issues, such as seeking professional help and improving self-esteem, is particularly valuable. It’s essential to highlight the importance of understanding and navigating these emotions to foster healthier relationships.

  3. This article provides a thorough analysis of the intricacies involved in love/hate relationships. The delineation of various symptoms and behaviors such as trauma bonding, jealousy, and constant arguing underscores the psychological complexities that often accompany these relationships. Moreover, the advice to seek professional help and work on self-esteem highlights the importance of proactive measures in addressing unhealthy relationship dynamics.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.